Cups of coffee.

                                                                                                                                                5th January

Eneas:

My head will blow up.

I don't know what I'm doing here, I'm sorry. You are like the back of my mind I call "home", home to wich I have always returning. I know you are sleeping, that have been six month since we have seen or talk, and that you'll end up sick of me because I only come when I need you. I don't want you to say anything, just listen.

I'm afraid.

It's horrible to feel so damn small when you have always been the higest, the largest, which draws attention but inmediately becomes invisible. Right now, I feel small and hepless. And it's horrible.

I take some time feeling like that. Fragile, unprotected. I'm not me and I odn't know what's happening to me. I few days ago I fled my mind. They can't get me, do you understand? If they get me, I'm lost! I do not eat, do not sleep, I don't go out. And yet, I'm never home. I lost my self, I need you to help me find me. You're my best friend, my brother, the voice inside my head. You know where I am, help me!

I feel some affection begging anyone who opens his arms. It's disgusting, I am disgusted. Quiet, I am not going head. But it's that being so small no one sees you. They ignore it, they do not care. And I'm climbing the tables and nip in their tiny cups of coffee to feel some heat. I hate those people because I depend on them, on their cups of coffee. Otherwise, I will die frozen. And I know it's stupid, because they drink cold coffee to avoid burning delicate languages. But I need the heat that envelops you when someone hugs you, that just burn in the heart when someone really loves you. It is winter and it is cold, and I'm small.

However, you don't drik coffe. That's why I'm here. To keep me warm, you become just as small as me and you lie to me. You wait until I no longer tremble, and never ask anything in return. Other times, also, put me under your magnifying glass and you get watching me hours. But at least you see me, you know I'm here! That reminds me that I have not gone completely crazy, that I exist and that you have not gone. No, you'll never have gone away.

Oh, boy, now I know how Alice in Wonderland felt.

Bah, I'm getting crazy.

The case is that I have several sleepless nights. I cannot sleep.I dread to sleep! I get much sleep because now my head won't disconnect fear and she want to do a race to persecute me until I run out and I don't want to get out of bed in days. But at 5:00am I will wake up, as always. And I'll get up wanting to scream, mourn and kicking. Instead, I'll forget to breathe. From time to time it happens, I forgot to breathe for a few minutes. The I will lose consciousness and I'll open my mouth to breath. And I will get panic to go out of my room! Then, something beautiful, something wonderfull will happend. During the rest of the afternoon I'll forget who I am. I'll distract me, I'll find something to do. That always works, you know? Then I will pretend I'm sleepy, but I will fight bed.

Just like know.

I'm lying on the floor watching my bed with its linens very straight and its duvet too hot. The damn pillow that gives me neck pain and a stuffed animal that I don't know waht's doing there, I didn't put it there.

I need you to come and sleep with me, would you do it for me? Whe I was a young girl and I had a nightmare, my mom gets into my bed and her warmth soothed me. She kept until I calmed down and went back to sleep, and then she left. You do not know how I hated waking up and not see her at my side. I need you to sleep with me and give me your hand, or let me take  your shirt. I need to know you're there, watchful waiting to come to get me. I know you would never leave them to take me. You would never let them hurt me. Can you sleep with me tonight?

I swear you that if I lie on the bed or undo and put me inside, I will drown. I will die. Somehow or another, I will break. Inside or outside, literally or metaphorically; if I touch that bed, it will hurt me.

I promise you I've never been so scared.

                                                                                                                                                           Elia.